As a trauma specialist, I’m the one people turn to after they have survived the most horrific of human experiences. Sometimes this happens immediately after the traumatic event. Other times, it takes years or even decades. Even though I’m a professional, whenever someone trusts me with this type of disclosure, I worry about my ability to provide the support they need. This is a normal concern – there is no one-size-fits-all response. What’s needed varies dramatically depending on the type of trauma, the amount of time that has passed, the current situation, and the person seeking support.
So now, it’s your turn. Someone has just told you about their own traumatic experience. Where do you start? First, take a deep breath and prepare yourself for your own reaction. As humans we’re designed to empathize – the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Learning that someone you care about has been injured – physically or emotionally – hurts. The closer the person is to you, or the closer their experience is to your own hurts and fears, the more you may feel this. The facts of the matter can overwhelm our experience of what makes sense and how the world is supposed to work. Some events may never make sense no matter how much we try to understand. It may also be difficult to grasp why the individuals involved responded in the way that they did.
When hearing about traumatic experiences, it’s natural and appropriate to feel grief, fear, guilt, or anger. Of course, as a listener, it’s not ideal to be so flooded with your own emotions that you can’t help the person who has come to you for support. However, it is absolutely ok for you to use your emotions to help guide your response. Showing that you are concerned and have been impacted emotionally can be helpful. But keep in mind that this is probably not the optimal moment to process your thoughts and feelings about what the other person has experienced. Instead, this is the time for you to listen and figure out how you can best support them.
The two most important things that you can bring to a trauma disclosure are openness and a willingness to truly listen. When someone has experienced a trauma, they often question themselves. What did they do or not do? Do their reactions make sense? They do not need you to question why they did or didn’t do something or judge the validity of their reactions.
By definition, a traumatic experience is extremely distressing and outside the realm of the expected. People do the best they can in very challenging situations. Not only are these types of events impossible to plan for, but human physiology also impedes our ability to think clearly as the crisis unfolds. While we can make guesses about how we would respond in a particular situation, we can’t truly know unless we are faced with it. No one wants to get hurt or make a poor choice that contributes to their own suffering. Second guessing the responses of a survivor is not helpful. Instead, believe that the choices they made in the moment made sense given their circumstances. If you find yourself struggling to understand the why’s or how’s of their situation, recognize that this is probably related to your lack of understanding of all the factors involved.
Disclosing trauma is difficult and represents a risk and a choice to be vulnerable. It can also be very emotional. Just allowing the survivor a safe space to experience their feelings and process their reactions – no matter how overwhelming – has the potential to provide an opportunity for healing and hope in the midst of something terrible. Many survivors struggle with what would, could, or should have happened. They may experience endless hours of unwanted thoughts on what would have been had things unfolded in a different way. Offering suggestions about what they could have done differently is not helpful. Instead, stick with how they are coping now and how you might be most helpful given the reality of the situation.
If a survivor discloses an event that has just happened there may be an urgent need for action. Depending upon the type of trauma, you may want to ask about their immediate safety and offer to help find emergency resources. Questions like “Are you safe now?” or “Do you need me to call police or take you to the hospital?” may be important if the individual is still in the midst of the crisis. I’ve found that it’s better to suggest options rather than demand a particular course of action. Remember, your understanding of the situation is likely incomplete.
If some time has passed since the trauma occurred, you may be faced with the painful fact that the individual has suffered without needed support. Human instinct is to survive and the trauma survivor has undoubtedly found strategies to cope. We are programmed to avoid pain and many trauma survivors find themselves in the position of trying to function without having had an opportunity to process and recover. Consequently, it’s not unusual to rely on strategies that bring the short-term relief necessary to function without allowing true healing. Some of their survival strategies may even be unhealthy and inadvertently lead to additional pain. These can include things like isolation, addiction, and aggression. They may experience feelings of regret about the ways of coping they have relied on in the aftermath of their traumatic experience.
We may wonder why an individual is still struggling after significant time has passed or become concerned if they are not returning to their previous level of functioning. Unfortunately, healing does not come with a timeline. Many survivors feel that their struggle is too much or too long or that they “should” be over it already. The reality is that time doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds and feeling pressure to move through the process of healing at a particular pace isn’t helpful. If you’re unsure about what to do, you might say “I want to help but I’m not sure how.” If you’re struggling to understand, keep asking genuine questions without expectation about what the answers should be. If talking about their experience is new for the survivor, praise their efforts and thank them for their faith in you. Willingness to share and be vulnerable with you is a tremendous compliment.
Survivors need our understanding and support. But being a compassionate listener is not easy. It’s reasonable to need support in processing your own reactions. Look to your own support system and call on outside resources that are available for you. I try to remember that no matter my intention, my efforts to be supportive will be imperfect.
Thankfully, we live in a world that is becoming more open to discussions about trauma and its impact on survivors and those who love them. To those of who are brave enough to share your experiences and those of you who provide support, thank you for making recovery from trauma a conversation more people are willing to have.