Despite our best efforts, we don’t get to choose when, where, or how much we experience painful emotions. Intense feelings like hurt, frustration, sorrow, anger, fear, guilt, and shame can be triggered by all kinds of things – sometimes even our own failures and mistakes.
Emotional pain is an unavoidable part of life which is why we come programmed to avoid discomfort and stop the pain as quickly as possible. These instincts help us recognize and address situations that are emotionally harmful to us. For example, we may leave a job that brings constant frustration and very little satisfaction or end a relationship after a friend repeatedly hurts or disappoints us. However, it can be very hard to cope with the sheer unpleasantness of these painful emotions. The urge to stop feeling the pain can be so intense that it’s easy to do things that provide short-term relief but don’t serve us well in the long-term. This may cause us to avoid a situation that needs to be addressed or do things that temporarily numb our pain. Examples include avoiding confrontation in an unhealthy relationship or drinking, excessive spending, gambling, compulsive eating, and watching too much mindless television.
For better or worse, these emotions are designed to help us. Much like touching a hot stove serves as a reminder to try to avoid getting burned again, our emotions give us continuous information about our environment that can encourage us to adjust our behavior. In the long run, these crucial adjustments contribute to a meaningful, satisfying life. When we don’t listen to our feelings, we miss out on an extremely important source of information, intuition, and feelings like joy and love that make life worth living. Emotions are very persistent – simply deciding not to have them does not make them go away. And if we rely on avoidance – short-term, unhealthy coping strategies – rather than processing painful emotions then we potentially further our troubles with the unintended consequences of our chosen avoidance strategy, such as addiction, weight gain, or financial difficulties.
So, what can you do when faced with painful emotions that feel overwhelming and unbearable? First, accept that they are an unavoidable part of being human, and while sometimes unpleasant, they are necessary. Second, find compassion for yourself – even if you have contributed to your own pain and suffering. Third, practice recognizing your urges to avoid and distract and consider whether your actions are likely to help or hurt your overall situation. There’s a fine line between healthy distraction and unhealthy avoidance. Generally, healthy distraction provides a temporary respite from pain without adding to long-term suffering. Examples of healthy distraction include going for a run, playing guitar, or watching a good comedy. In contrast, unhealthy avoidance tends to consist of less healthy strategies used more extensively. They are intended to numb or shut-off an emotion. And finally, it helps to remember that every emotional state, pleasant or unpleasant, is temporary and will inevitably change. Recently, I was reminded that sometimes life hurts and, when it does, we just need to hold on until the pain subsides.
For more information on healthy distraction techniques, check out the Tools & Techniques section of FriendsFightBack.com.