One of the biggest challenges trauma survivors face is in developing and maintaining relationships. Understandably, survivors of interpersonal trauma have experienced a profound violation of trust in a relationship that should have been trustworthy, but they are not the only trauma survivors who struggle with getting close to others. I often hear things like “I like being alone”, “I’m just a loner”, or “I just can’t deal with people”. Occasionally, I do meet people who truly prefer their own company. But much more often, I encounter individuals who experience such intense discomfort around others that they have given up on close relationships.
Clearly, some of the most common PTSD symptoms can make relationships a challenge. Insomnia, anger, depression, emotional numbing, avoidance, hypervigilance, nightmares accompanied by yelling or striking out physically in bed, isolation – it’s no surprise that, in the aftermath of a trauma, healthy relationships may seem impossible. I have seen countless numbers of survivors with partners, children, family members, friends, and co-workers who feel hurt and alienated by behaviors that damage their relationships and don’t seem to make sense at face value. Some survivors simply accept isolation as an unavoidable legacy of their traumatic experience and preferable to sharing their suffering with others. Many have given up on the possibility that their loved ones could understand what they have been through.
The good news is that I have also had the pleasure of working with people who have faced these challenges head on and have developed and maintained supportive, quality relationships at work, home, and in their social lives. These relationships share some common elements. Virtually all of these relationships involve trauma survivors who are motivated to heal and take responsibility for their own mental health. They also involve supportive others who are interested in learning about the impact of the trauma on the survivor and finding out how they can help. These quality relationships don’t require the survivors to be completely healed, the family and friends to be trauma experts, or imply that any challenges are easily overcome. So how do they succeed?
Open communication can get the process moving, but it can be pretty overwhelming at first for both the survivor and the loved one. A survivor can struggle to talk about their most painful experience while their loved ones might have trouble listening to details of how they have been hurt. It’s also not unusual for survivors to be afraid of being judged for what they did or did not do in the aftermath of the trauma and for their loved ones to fear they might not react in the “right” way to a difficult disclosure. Some trauma survivors are uncomfortable discussing the specifics of their experience while others want the important people in their lives to hear their story.
Sharing information about how your trauma impacts you in the present is a great place to start. Simply letting someone in your life know that you are anxious around crowds or experiencing an increase in nightmares as an anniversary date approaches can go a long ways towards getting the conversation started. Loved ones can help by lending a non-judgmental ear and asking for tips on how they can best be supportive. It’s okay to say that you don’t know what to do. In my experience, sincerity and patience are almost always detected. The best response is usually quite simple. It should communicate your concern while providing the survivor in your life the opportunity to educate you about the type of support that works best for them. Examples of what you might say include: “that must have been terrible” or “I’m so sorry that happened, how can I support you now?”
Ultimately, intimacy requires vulnerability and vulnerability opens us up to the possibility of being hurt. It’s a risk, but it also offers us the greatest possibility to heal after a trauma. It is our close, healthy relationships that bring us comfort and support while we relearn how to trust. It’s okay to start small, but I encourage trauma survivors and the people who love them to start talking. By being patient and giving healing the time it deserves, you can build new healthy, meaningful relationships or maintain the ones you already enjoyed before your traumatic experience.